pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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