Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
as a side note pls kill me
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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