I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
