And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
