sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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