You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
