All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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