My friends, they love my intelligence
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he laminated a picture of his dick.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
