I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
