After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
