1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
