if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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