evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
