Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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