Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize