just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
