Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
