apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
