kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
