I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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