Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
