If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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