I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize