You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
