I should be sponsored by Trojan
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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