Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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