I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
