My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
