She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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