i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize