dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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