Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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