No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
