My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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