there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
