I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
