shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
