FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize