mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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