Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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