Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
