Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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