I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
