There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
