So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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