ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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