Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
