my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
