I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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