You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
