If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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