I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
