Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
