I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
