You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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