Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
