Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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