Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
