I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
