I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
