Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
